Shadows of Old Name Follows

Ever where I turn these days, at least once a month I am reminded that a shadow of my previous self is lurking beyond the edge of light ready to strike, revealing the existence of my previous life. The pieces of mail I receive from the American Legion and Veterans of Foreign Wars, in addition to correspondence from companies that I had dealings with in my old life.

It was much easier changing my name through the courts system than it has ever been in trying to update financial institutions information and with my health care provider. Not to mention that I will never be able to change my name on documents I receive in connection with the Military Retirement Section and Finance records. Especially my Retiree Account Statement always shows my previous name. When I updated my name change with my Health Care Provider, they have a computerized system where one can check and verify all medical appointment, and authorization for procedures with payments and costs. One has to use one’s social security number to access the system and after submitting copies of the court documents for my name change, it blocked my access to all records because of the name difference. I had to make several phone calls and spend several hours trying to get my access reset.

Because I have taken Kay maiden name along with mine, it makes it difficult to process medical related paperwork in the beginning. The Social Security system recognized one form of my name, my Military healthcare recognizes another grouping, and the VA will only recognize the combination of our maiden names to get any medical appointments settled. The only problem is that my Military ID card has only the initial for my middle name, which is Kay’s maiden name; and it make explanations of the difference with the VA and the Military Records comical.

This week, I needed to refill some of my prescriptions and learned that they had not been authorized for reduced payments through my health care provider. Tricare had changed the company that had been using to fill prescriptions and needed a correct name. It had been two years or so since I had legally changed my name and I assumed that the new company had been given my old name instead of Sarah; and I was furious. Since it was Veteran Day everything was closed and I would not be able to contact them until Thursday, and I was out of one of my meds. The pharmacy would only let me purchase for full price, and I thought if I did pay full price, I would have to jump through many and large hoops to get any refunds when I got my name problems corrected. It was only when I had called Humana Health Care and I realized they were closed for the holiday, I realized the pharmacy tech had not submitted my full name. It seems that they had always used Sara, without the “H” and everything was fine; but with the new company, they rejected the refill request because it did not have the “H”. So when I pointed out that there was a misspelling of my first name, she added the ‘h’ and both refills were processed with no problems. I was very relieved that I did not have to fight the system again to correct my name.

It took the rest of the day for me to calm down enough to enjoy the week.

For Anniversaries

November 11, tomorrow happens to be several anniversaries that I remember and celebrate. November 11^th is Veterans Day, where at the 11^th minute of the 11^th hours the Armistice was signed; the remembrances of all wars, of all tragic deaths of family members who gave their lives so that others might be free. As a Vietnam Vet, I fought to keep the Communists at bay. I risked my life so that others might protest government actions without the fear of being killed. I risked my life so that I could grow up and get married; so that I could work without the fear of being harassed or ridiculed or killed because I am a transsexual. I served my time in combat so that others may choose the life they want. The reasons we fight on foreign soil is not to satisfy the whims of someone in governmental power; but to serve and protect the country against enemies, foreign and domestic. I served my country to protect those who voice objections. I am speaking of an incident where veterans strung a protester who burned the American Flag upside down by his heels, to teach him a lesson. Although I do not condone the actions of the flag burner nor the re actions of the veterans, I cry for the injustices perpetrated by mob rule.

November 11^th will be our third Wedding Anniversary, where Kay and I walked across our yard to stand in front of friends to speak our marriage vows. Every day since that sunny November afternoon; my love for Kay has grown. Every day in another day filled with wonder and laughter and held hand and wonderful snuggles as we lay in each others arms at the end of the day and pronounce our love for each other. The paths we have traveled have been filled with music and theatre and travel, not knowing where we are going but happy we are traveling together smelling the flowers and marveling at the beauty of the landscape.

What Did I Want This Morning

Last week was incredibly busy for us. We drove back from Atlanta on Monday after staying with my cousin while her daughter (my favorite person in the whole world) had surgery on her eye. We got back late that evening. The next couple of days were spent cleaning house and completing last minute things for the Fall Festival our church was having. I was the coordinator for it so I was a little nervous. We knew Sarah's daughter and her fiance were coming over for dinner on Thursday evening and we had friends who were going to stay with us over the weekend because they were going to a wedding.

On Wednesday afternoon, a friend called and needed a place to stay because a relative had died and he was coming to the funeral. We have plenty of room and this fellow is always a great guest so we told him to come on which he did. He got in around 11 p.m. and we stayed up talking until 2 a.m.!! I should have known better.

On Thursday we got ready for Sarah's daughter and her fiance. We had a WONDERFUL visit. Julie is an INCREDIBLE young woman and sooooo funny too. He fiance had made a delicious antipasta salad and we thoroughly enjoyed the evening with them. You know Jason loves her when looks at her. They are just fantastic.

Friday we went to the church to put the finishing touches on the Fall Festival. We worked our butts off. Saturday we were at the church before 8 a.m. to let the vendors get set up. It really was our best Fall Festival yet. We didn't get home until around 6 p.m. I was one tired puppy! I was in bed and asleep by 10 p.m. That is unheard of for this night owl. Up on Sunday to do the church thing.

NOW.......it is Monday morning. I had planned a quiet relaxing day. Maybe working on the hedges in front of the house but NO. Sarah has discovered a hole in the little fish pond out back so off to the store she goes. She comes home with a LARGER fish pool and a different shape than the other one. Keep in mind while you read this that about 2 years ago she had problems with her back, had an MRI which showed a couple of ruptured discs and had to have injections in her back (this was in the hospital under anesthesia) to relieve the problem. So now Sarah is out there digging and moving the rocks around the fish pond around so I feel that I need to go help out to be sure she doesn't further injure herself.

My help always involves a couple of differences of opinions and constant warnings not to further injure herself because I will have to take care of her. She did need the help.

The fish pond is now in with only one of the fish not making the transition. Is this what I wanted on my post crazy week Monday. Nope, but it is what I got. Do I love Sarah any less. No, not at all. I love her all the more and guess what blogger friends. This Wednesday we will have been married 3 years.

Equal and Civil Rights

Well said Rev. Russell

Changes All Around

As you might have noticed I have changed the format of this blog. I have been thinking a change was in order for some time and the look needed to be personalized, at least for me.

When Kay and I created this blog, I had been transitioned for several years and we felt that as Christian people and married, we needed to tell our story and of our lives together.

One could say that I had been transitioning for 15 years or so before I was served with divorce papers in 2003. I was discovering bits and pieces of my other self over the years with cross dressing and buying heels and throwing them away; of buying clothes and makeup and throwing them away. These periods of my discovering how to be Sarah were solitary, and always fearful of discovery; no worthwhile physiological digging, no outside help from anyone. I didn’t know of any other trans person during those lonely years of self discovery.

Two events attest to my diligence in pursuing who the real person was and became the cornerstone for my transition. Two opportunities taken that released my true self from her cage behind my wall of shame and fear. Two outings, dressed as the future Sarah, would be the beginning of a 15 years metamorphosis surrounded by family tugging and pulling me in different directions. 15 years fighting myself over core beliefs, attempting to peal away the layers of guilt and shame imposed upon me by my Catholic Faith. The first appearance of the future Sarah would be in the year, 1977 where I spent two days transforming into the feminine person. It wouldn’t happen again until 1992 that she would step into the light of day again.

Only upon my marriage separation did I feel free and unencumbered enough to pursue my female personification and who she would become. During this year of discovery, I connected with a great therapist and joined an lgbt group which was meeting in Tallahassee. It became my year of true acceptance and courage as I found true love and a place of peace.

My time table for transition was hindered by my own fears. Fear of having to hide my secret, fear of my family learning about my secret. Not knowing how not to hurt my family, and at the same time cross dressing when I could. Hiding the fear of thinking that I was ‘only’ a cross dresser; fearful of thinking that there might be something more inside of me. Fearful of what my church upbringing thought about my cross dressing. Realizing that I was one of God’s creatures in his church and was loved by him; however I dressed and lived my life. Finally I realized that the fear of not transitioning and living a life in pain and agony was overcome by the unknown of transitioning and a joyful hope of living a happier life. Finally demanding that my God do something to me; pleading for him to take away these urges to be Sarah. Calling him down on the carpet to wash away this obsession of mine to discover Sarah; to fix me, as it were.

Only after I started my transition was I introduced to other trans people who offered support and love for me during my transition. Experiencing the excitement of finding a good therapist after two spending so much valuable time with ones who hadn’t dealt with people who were struggling with gender identity. Realizing that I could transition in the same town where I lived for 13 years and not having to relocate. After three years living as Sarah, I now live under the radar, although that wasn’t my intention. Living in a town as part of a duo of two ladies and having people only see two ladies; not a ‘woman’ and a ‘trans’ woman. Knowing some people know about my past and not having them make a big deal about it is great for my security and confidence.

Getting the opportunity to show people that we are two people with normal lives, living boring lives is so much better that having to be defensive and fearful. Educating Doctors, Nurses, and teachers about who we are and who we are not by our normal existence is teaching those who don’t know us, what being transsexuals can do. Being invisible while walking among those who do not know that I am trans, is a teaching moment. Being able to shop, attend concerts and plays out in the community are teachable moments. When people meet us in public places, I think that they only see two ladies who they know do lots of things together as two older lesbians. Works for us.

1st Trans March Atlanta

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j4oif-5i7F8

Here is the news clip from Southern Voice about the First Annual Transgender March for Atlanta Pride. We took a short march around the park area with lots of cheers of support, what a day!!! Kay and I are at the 1:06 mark and we show up at the end of the clip as it fades away.

Atlanta Pride

Kay and I attended Atlanta Pride festivities, with an afternoon at the park on Saturday and on Sunday we watched the parade. We were invited to march with a group from All Saints Episcopal Church after services. I am glad that we took to opportunity to watch the parade, even though we did miss the first few groups march by. Everyone was clapping and cheering, people throwing beads and such. It was very interesting to see all of the very different groups. WOW!! Two newbies from south GA. But what a morning.

The Saturday before, we got to the park around noon in enough time to find out where the First Transgender Parade would begin, there was a small group because it was added, it seemed, at the last minute; there was about 25 people to march around the park with people cheering us. It turned out that to keep the trans march in the park was the best option for the day. I met some new friends and someone who I was friends with on Pink Essence. While we were chatting we noticed a band playing under a small pavilion and a smaller crowd listening. Janine recognized the song and the band, it was Gracie and Lady GaGa. I introduced myself and told her how much I appreciated she had done for the cause. A real nice lady, with a great voice.

It was awesome to walk through the park and visit each booth and watch the people and how they interact with each other. I love people watching; just seeing the strong display of affection was heartwarming.