Letting Sarah Live, on screen and in words

For some years now a professor has been gathering sound bites and short videos of my transition and story. When we started it was going to be just about my transition and how I reacted about my betting breast cancer after 15 months on my HRT program.  However since he knows about my history from other friends and my children from other connections, he has morphed this project into something bigger. He is trying to get a story of how my grown children have reacted and dealt with watching their father fade away and finding Sarah.

Mark has set a date to finish this film for himself and for us, my family for the purpose of showing other families that how we managed. Both the good and the bad. His date of the premier, if you will, will be sometime in the middle of November. I am not quite sure just how it will be marketed or if my daughter and son will agree to let it be put on youtube. But we all agree this story, our stories must be told, not for us but for all families who might be struggling with coming to terms for a family member who might be transitioning.

For as many of the professors who we have talked to their classes, wherever we show this for the first time there might be a crowd. I have been on pins and needles about this, knowing he tells a good story, but my difficulty will be watching my story unfold in video form. Regardless of the fact that we have told our story to so many classes over the years, describing my life in words with slides is very different that watching a video of yourself and your families thoughts and feelings.

For the past six year or so I have been trying to put my memoirs into some sort of book form. It has grown from 150 pages with my first edition, to a manuscript of 320 pages in it's seventh edition or such. After finally getting a finished book, I got the nerve to let someone else read it and make suggestion and comments about content and construction. I included all my trans poetry and parts of my Life Journal that I kept during the early years of my transition. This is a telling of my gender variant journey mixed in with my military years and my adventures as I tried to find myself.

  When I got the manuscript back, I couldn't believe my emotional and physical reaction to someone actually reading my book. I got a sick feeling in my gut and felt like I did when I got caught dressed full of fear and nerves on edge. I was walking around in a fog, and could not grasp all the emotions I was feeling now that someone had actually read my book and was giving me her opinions. Several people have read this final version and now that I am satisfied I will begin to figure the best was to get it published because everyone agrees that this must be told, just as the film must be shown.

Can you explain what you said.

I had a comment from this person called, "George Waite" which I immediately deleted; but the more I thought about his comment; the more I needed to say something in reply.

George Waite has left a new comment on your post "Reflections and Chelsea Manning": 

That picture of the freak in the dress and lipstick will haunt my dreams.
Church is a joke. So glad to be an atheist and not have to pay for this. 

So I checked his name and there was no photo or any information except that this person identifies as 'male'.  Strange, is it that someone can blast you and remain anonymous.

If someone's picture will haunt his dreams, then he is a 'shallow' person. For someone to have such 'strong' opinions, I can think of other 'pictures' that should haunt his dreams more vividly than someone in a dress.  Say pictures of children murdered and defiled; of towns that are torn from the map by disasters, pictures of war and killing of the innocence mothers and fathers by crazed men.

Oh, another thing even if you are an atheist Mr. Waite, and think Church is a joke, you are somehow paying for it.  Your tax dollars are paying for all the medical treatments retired military receive for their transgender medical needs, did you realize that, Mr. Waite?

I hope all of us freaks keep you awake for the rest of your life, Mr. Waite!!

Reflections and Chelsea Manning

No one who surfs the news reports can turn a blind eye to all the comments published about Chelsea Manning and I can imagine a whole series of question about her timings to tell the world she will now live her life as Chelsea.  I do not believe that her timing to 'come out' now, now that she will be living the rest of her life in prison, was an attempt to elicit sympathy.

I too am a combat veteran having served in Vietnam from June 67 to June 68 and decided to get out after my first 3 years in December of 68.  It was seven years later that I decided to re-enlist and complete my 20 years and get out.  All I wanted to do was to play music but the Army promoted me to E-8 and I was appointed as First Sergeant of the post band at Fort Bliss, Tx.  As the First Sergeant one must follow and enforce Army Regulations even if you don't like what you have to do.

So when a soldier who served under me was charged by his wife of dressing and demanding sex, which was considered "Conduct Unbecoming", the Commander proceeded to court-martial the young man and kick him out of the service. He was a great clarinet player and an otherwise outstanding soldier who served as a Marine before he changed services; but I had to stand with the Commander and process this good soldier out of the Army.  My moral integrity began to crumble that day. I was dressing in my own home at the time, feeling my own feminine pull and I resented what I did that day. That was the day my moral ethics collided with Army Regulation and Standards of Conduct I swore an Oath to protect and enforce.

Wedding Day

It was only after I was selected as a student for the next Sergeant's Major Class and I was tasked to teach the "Military Ethics" Class that I realized that; 1) I did not want to be in that class, 2) I just wanted to play music and encourage those around me to be better musicians, 3) the Army wanted me to continue to violate and ignore my ethics and principles to enforce their policies and 4) that I was not a very "good" First Sergeant and could not serve as a Sergeant Major with my set of ethical values.

And so events unfolded which resulted in my be summarily discharged from the Academy and 'Retired' with less then 20 year active federal military service.  It was years later, that my wife divorced me and I took the opportunity to complete my transition from male to female.

I kind of understand the moral angst to "right" some thing's that we see and feel to be wrong, but it would be a difficult decision for me to release information that might compromise lives and the National Security not knowing all the information and facts.  And being outed by the Army, forced her hand, as it were, to come clean and live a life without secrets.

Butterfly update

Good news, both butterflies have hatched, sad new is that I was not home when they flew away and don't have pictures.

The butterfly who came to call

Around the first of summer, I watched a butterfly flutter around the new leaves of my small orange tree and deposit two very small eggs.  She stayed around for another few minutes and then flew away.  I examined the eggs carefully as they were on the tips of two different orange leave, and then I didn't think anything more about them and left them alone.  I figured that some birds or other insects would eat them.  Photo taken from a webpage for caterpillars and moths.

About a month or so later I noticed that a lot of the leaves of the orange tree (which they seem to prefer) had been eaten by something, and as I was searching among the leaves I found two caterpillars of the Giant Swallowtail.  The caterpillar looked a twig with droppings of white and the head of a snake, so I left them alone to eat as they pleased.  I would find them on the leaves in the morning and during the hot part of the day have moved into the shade of the stem or branches.

I wondered what would happen if they were disturbed and when I touched them with a small twig the larger one responded by protruding these two tongue-like things as the defense mechanism, that quickly withdrew into the mouth area.

It was but a week ago that I noticed that one of the caterpillars had found himself a place under a large stem and began to attache and change.

This week I found that both of them had transformed and begun the next cycle of change.  I am not sure just how long this process will take but I will keep my eye on them and hope I can get some good shots as the emerge.

Everywhere I look I see life.

I do not fear death

I loved this article about a man a person who loved life as much as the movie he reviewed, I like this line from the article: "I respect kindness in human beings first of all, and kindness to animals.".  I read this after reading an article about coffee shops and cafe agreeing to let customers pay forward for a cup of coffee, or a simple meal for someone who is homeless; is called paying for a "suspended---",  coffee, or a sandwich, a meal--- something hot for a cold day, something to eat when someone can't pay for a sandwich. That's a great way to give anonymously 

What I really love to do is gardening; watching something grow as it brings forth new life after a dark and dreary winter of sleep. I find myself standing in front of my grape vine and tree that was a "volunteer" last year.  I am amazed at how much new growth can be seen every week.  I sometimes wish I had a slow motion camera to document the the speed at which the new leaves grow.

Last year I planted two Loofa plants and they got away from; almost covered the old playhouse.  This year I have planted some 'Popcorn' corn, and potatoes (at different stages), carrots (2 kinds), radishes (2 kinds).  I am growing cucumber plants and hope to plant them within the corn as they both grow together; which will hold up the cucumber  as they mature.  I have 3 kinds of tomato plants in pots this year and 2 green pepper plants; they seem to do better in pots and next to the porch.

I also have an orange and lemon tree, 2 blackberry, thornless of course and a muscadine grape that is new this year.  I believe that is all I have room to plant in the backyard.  

I love to dig in the dirt of my garden in the backyard while barefoot.  As you can see I had to add a screen over my rolling garden bins, as I discovered cats lying in them after a cold morning that I had covered them with a sheet.

It took only 3 years for the grapevine to give enough fruit to make jelly.  Our problem was keeping the birds away long enough to harvest the grapes; I have left quite enough for the birds to feast on.  As always that's a pleasure to watch them fight over the grapes.  We have had to cover the vine, but that hasn't deterred one Mocking bird who found a way to sneak under the netting to feast on the early grapes; but he doesn't get much.