Passing or Blending or Mixing

Some times it’s a little perplexing for me, as I am sitting around waiting for my next stage entrance. Currently I am in the local production of South Pacific, wonderfully this is my first acting role, as small as it is, as a woman; I was for the last two years a member of the Universities Women’s Gender Studies Program of the Vagina Monologues by Eve Ensler. Three years ago, I would have never attempted something like this for myself; as I would never be comfortable around a group of men. But here I am chatting with the other cast members, making small talk and having fun and we get to know each other.

Because it is so hot down our way, it’s ridiculous to try and wear make up hardly ever when I go out, for the fact that I perspire so much and it get washed away before noon. Plus, I haven’t been able to afford to pay for electrolysis, so I am still shaving. If I shave in the early or mid afternoon, even Kay doesn’t notice the subtle stubble I do grow in the evening. I have become more comfortable being out and about town with only lipstick on. And that doesn’t stay on very long The only time I did wear make up for the show was for them to take my picture which they posted outside the theatre. It has dawned on me that another subtle shift has taken place, I am very at ease with my female body and how it morphed from the old to the new. I am not aware that now I am not very much different looking that any other woman who is out in public and dressed down and without any make up; lesbian, gender questioning or straight. The young girls don’t even stare and make comment that I can hear.

As one who can feel comfortable among a group of people, while wearing no make up, I feel at ease as I am mixing it up with the other cast members. Several cast members know about me and my past, but have been very respectful by not really talking about my prior life as male. For the scene we sing, ‘I’m Gonna wash that Man right out of My Hair’, we use towels as props and I was told that we were to wrap them on our heads when we come out a second time. Now I have problems with the towel wrapping thing and had to have someone help me with wrapping that night; (I have practice more since), she ask me why I had not wrapped my hair more often. You don’t just blurt out that one always wore their hair short because they grew up male in a crowd where you are looked upon as another woman. When growing up male, my trans sisters and I, didn’t get the beauty tips and female coaching do’s and don’ts, from our mothers that she bestowed upon our sisters. Because I always wore my hair short, never even long enough to pin a curler into to it, I never had any reason to wrap my head or hair into a town while I finished getting dressed; I remember my sister not using a towel in that way that very much.

Today, my hair is the longest it’s ever been, and I could use the towel twisting thingy, but I have never though about letting my hair dry that way. Today I am very at ease with my female body in the way it has changed, being able to have silicone implants really give my confidence as huge boost.

I will suggest that I am blending or mixing very well within the community as I go about my every day life as Sarah.