Just a Woman, if you please!

My journey down the rabbit hole of transition was filled with a great many twists and turns; abrupt turns indeed. At the beginning of my transition was the door of my marriage closing and opening a great many others doors to other rabbit holes. There happened to be one dead end where I discovered my cancer lurking. When I started my journey to be Sarah, I had not found blogs yet, so I wrote my life journal…

April 21 2003

Some catching up to do. Over the last 10 years, I have been slowly changing my behavior and looks. I have come to the realization that I am more than just “john” that there is someone else inside struggling to show herself. I started wearing women’s things, panties and socks were what I could get away with. I started wearing my wife's clothes when I could because they were accessible. After I tore one her good dresses, I decided that I should buy my own clothes. Such a struggle to understand and cope. I have always wanted to be cared for and held. I learned how to be a “hugger” from Linda’s family, especially Melba who I had come to enjoy being with. Such a big heart and laughter. I have realized that she and I didn’t hug anymore; maybe it was both our faults. It had become difficult to know when to get close to my ex. She seemed to never be the starter, always waiting for me.

This was the first Easter or holiday that I have spent without family. My ex and I have agreed that a divorce was necessary due to the fact that Joanna has become emblazoned, quite bold in some of her outings. I have moved to Tall Tree apartments a one bedroom, quite big enough for Joanna. After Church and lunch with the Robinson’s I came back to the apartment, changed into something comfortable Capri and a top and did laundry. After laundry, I changed into a long summer sleeveless dress with a jacket and took a book and a drink and went to the park to read. I was a sunny and warm day, there were several groups of families with kids playing and enjoying themselves. Between reading and watching the kids playing it was very uplifting for me. Last week I spent the Tuesday in Tallahassee and visited the nice people at Merle Norman’s. We started talking and I told her that I wanted to make an appointment for a makeover when ever would be convenient with her. She said lets do one now. She gave me some great tips and that we needed to change the foundation color and to use some different lipstick. Even though my hair wasn’t that great, her changes really looked sooo great on me that I almost started to cry. I was on two steps above cloud Nine. It was really nice just to talk to someone, who was truly interested. I couldn’t have had a nicer gift. That’s what I am calling her magic that afternoon. I almost went to bed without cleaning off my face.

I started my journey without knowing what I was doing; which is to say that one learns by doing. Even if it’s a journey one step at a time. My female cloud walking happened before I started using hormones. To carefully dress and step out one’s door in the light of day was exciting and thrilling rolled together with angst. My success with passing happened almost from the beginning; having someone whistle and make comments about my long legs was exciting and thrilling at the same time. I do not really remember getting ugly comments about me being a man in a dress; just quick glances and smiles from women who I passed on the street or in the mall.

Now, even I forget that I was once that person sometimes as ‘he’ gets lost as I live my life these days. The drama in my life these 5 years revolved around my getting breast cancer and then having reconstruction two years later. The happiness that my wife brings to me every morning I wake up with her next to me is priceless. All the friends and their children we have watched so often; those are the every day thoughts and deeds that occupy our time together as a married couple. Some of the things that occupy our time these days is our quilting, PFLAG, Integrity, music concerts and the opera. Taking that 8 day trip to New England; reading one of the pieces in the Universities' production of the Vagina Monologues, again, those were this years high points for us.

My thinking about the New Year is that I will try to find my poetry writing voice again; I would like to speak to more groups about being a trans woman and doing more political advocacy with trans issues.

I challenge everyone to learn something new about you, to learn to do something new and be a shoulder for someone who is beginning their own journey.