Trans longings, regrets and hopes

How peculiar it is to wake up and suddenly realize all those accessories that we hoped and wished for before we transitioned have suddenly drifted to the back of our minds? All those wonder pieces of ‘women’s things that I had longed to get my feet into have somehow morphed into more gentler practical options; instead of the toe pinching 4 inch foot crushing things we call shoes. Those entire wonderful, exciting high heels in all shapes and styles and heel heights are now cute practical 1 inch heels or flats that flatter one’s feet. Some of the one’s I have bought recently actually seem to make my size 11 feet to appear to be smaller than the boats I know them to be. The same things happened to my dresses, they have lengthened and are more comfortable; not the short skirts or tight form fitting dresses that I lusted after. And our collection of bra’s; well they still tend to be of many colors and have inserts and push what we have up and out into the world to see. The same reasons we gave up of wearing gads of jewelry, although, we have come to an understanding of which makeup looks best on us, after years of trials and errors.

It seems that for those of us trans women who had to wait until their later years to transition, the mystic and mysticism of everything satin, or lacy, or made of nylon or silk forged our wicked lusting for anything female. As we were children our fantasy was for the feminine things were very discouraged or forbidden to touch much less wear. If only we were given permission to be who we were, other than what we were, we might not have attached so much special sexual feelings for feminine things.

I have been following two blogs by parents of transgender children, one a wonderful understand mother, and one father trying to come to terms with how to support and love their male to female children. Both children are still of school age and the parents post are filled with emotional angst and hope and lots of love. Both parents have to deal with a steep learning curve for supporting and loving their trans children. I follow their posting quite regularly but feel limited as to my advice or thoughts that I can only share, knowing that both of these parents are living in the trenches of emotional warfare, of hostile combat with children having to live in two worlds to survive against those who do not accept us.

If we were able to open up to our parents as these children have done, and found acceptance and love and support, our lives would not have been filled with shame, or hate, or the fears we faced as we hid our ‘little secrets’ from our parents, our family, from our selves. I am envious of the young children who have found parental support; knowing how different their lives could and should be from ours. But I wish them all the love of heaven and earth, knowing that ‘times are a changin’ and there is much more acceptance for them now than when we grew up so many years ago.