The Best Christmas Presents

  I have described a film in production about us which is being produced by a good friend and professor of Sociology. We tried to finish the story and view it before Christmas, but with his classes the schedule was too tight. I am sure he will schedule the viewing sometime in the first of the new year.  As this is a story about family that must be told my children hopes that others will find this and it will help their families cope with a child that is transitioning.




I have said that I have 3 children and my daughter graduated from Brandeis in 2004, but her brother graduated this semester after overcoming some personal medical difficulties to graduate this year with a degree in math. It has taken him a few more years than his sister, but I was extremely proud to watch him walk across that stage a few weeks ago. Seeing his determination and drive to finish his degree filled my heart with so much joy.

    It was the first opportunity to have the whole family together again for the first time since I transitioned. My daughter helped in so many ways to make sure the family was comfortable and cautioned me to take the first meeting slow.

After the family got together after the official ceremony, we all went out to lunch and was able to have great conversations with all of the family and with my grandchildren; they have grown so much. Then again everyone joined my son at a Graduation Party that night.

My daughter has been planning a surprise for her boyfriend who has always wanted a boat; well we had a pirate party and she managed to buy him a small sailing boat to work on and play. He has always had dreadlocks and she sent him on a scavenger hunt to get his coat and call for his last present; the boat.  What an awesome couple they make and now with the boat I see many happy days on the water. It was another opportunity to get the family together again.

We had a wonderful time helping my daughter celebrate her boyfriend's birthday surrounded by family again.



We had invited everyone over for lunch on Christmas eve and the weather was nice enough that we were able to eat outside on the porch as my ex-wife joined us for the day.

Everyone seemed so relaxed and happy as we dined on our holiday meal of soup and salad with a few deserts, like our version of the Alton Brown's free range fruit cake doused with a good helping of bourbon sprinkled over the top.


I am not sure if I can measure the joy and happiness I am feeling as this year comes to it's end. Having my family together again under one roof is a dream and vision I thought would never happen this soon or if ever. So much time has passed but I will not dwell on what could have been; what I have before me is so many opportunities to build on that Christmas Eve day, to make new memories with my family and with my grandchildren.

The new year shines as bright as the smiles on the faces of my son and my grandchildren and I will take every chance to be with them that I am given.

Letting Sarah Live, on screen and in words

For some years now a professor has been gathering sound bites and short videos of my transition and story. When we started it was going to be just about my transition and how I reacted about my betting breast cancer after 15 months on my HRT program.  However since he knows about my history from other friends and my children from other connections, he has morphed this project into something bigger. He is trying to get a story of how my grown children have reacted and dealt with watching their father fade away and finding Sarah.

Mark has set a date to finish this film for himself and for us, my family for the purpose of showing other families that how we managed. Both the good and the bad. His date of the premier, if you will, will be sometime in the middle of November. I am not quite sure just how it will be marketed or if my daughter and son will agree to let it be put on youtube. But we all agree this story, our stories must be told, not for us but for all families who might be struggling with coming to terms for a family member who might be transitioning.

For as many of the professors who we have talked to their classes, wherever we show this for the first time there might be a crowd. I have been on pins and needles about this, knowing he tells a good story, but my difficulty will be watching my story unfold in video form. Regardless of the fact that we have told our story to so many classes over the years, describing my life in words with slides is very different that watching a video of yourself and your families thoughts and feelings.

For the past six year or so I have been trying to put my memoirs into some sort of book form. It has grown from 150 pages with my first edition, to a manuscript of 320 pages in it's seventh edition or such. After finally getting a finished book, I got the nerve to let someone else read it and make suggestion and comments about content and construction. I included all my trans poetry and parts of my Life Journal that I kept during the early years of my transition. This is a telling of my gender variant journey mixed in with my military years and my adventures as I tried to find myself.

  When I got the manuscript back, I couldn't believe my emotional and physical reaction to someone actually reading my book. I got a sick feeling in my gut and felt like I did when I got caught dressed full of fear and nerves on edge. I was walking around in a fog, and could not grasp all the emotions I was feeling now that someone had actually read my book and was giving me her opinions. Several people have read this final version and now that I am satisfied I will begin to figure the best was to get it published because everyone agrees that this must be told, just as the film must be shown.

Can you explain what you said.

I had a comment from this person called, "George Waite" which I immediately deleted; but the more I thought about his comment; the more I needed to say something in reply.

George Waite has left a new comment on your post "Reflections and Chelsea Manning": 

That picture of the freak in the dress and lipstick will haunt my dreams.
Church is a joke. So glad to be an atheist and not have to pay for this. 

So I checked his name and there was no photo or any information except that this person identifies as 'male'.  Strange, is it that someone can blast you and remain anonymous.

If someone's picture will haunt his dreams, then he is a 'shallow' person. For someone to have such 'strong' opinions, I can think of other 'pictures' that should haunt his dreams more vividly than someone in a dress.  Say pictures of children murdered and defiled; of towns that are torn from the map by disasters, pictures of war and killing of the innocence mothers and fathers by crazed men.

Oh, another thing even if you are an atheist Mr. Waite, and think Church is a joke, you are somehow paying for it.  Your tax dollars are paying for all the medical treatments retired military receive for their transgender medical needs, did you realize that, Mr. Waite?

I hope all of us freaks keep you awake for the rest of your life, Mr. Waite!!

Reflections and Chelsea Manning

No one who surfs the news reports can turn a blind eye to all the comments published about Chelsea Manning and I can imagine a whole series of question about her timings to tell the world she will now live her life as Chelsea.  I do not believe that her timing to 'come out' now, now that she will be living the rest of her life in prison, was an attempt to elicit sympathy.

I too am a combat veteran having served in Vietnam from June 67 to June 68 and decided to get out after my first 3 years in December of 68.  It was seven years later that I decided to re-enlist and complete my 20 years and get out.  All I wanted to do was to play music but the Army promoted me to E-8 and I was appointed as First Sergeant of the post band at Fort Bliss, Tx.  As the First Sergeant one must follow and enforce Army Regulations even if you don't like what you have to do.

So when a soldier who served under me was charged by his wife of dressing and demanding sex, which was considered "Conduct Unbecoming", the Commander proceeded to court-martial the young man and kick him out of the service. He was a great clarinet player and an otherwise outstanding soldier who served as a Marine before he changed services; but I had to stand with the Commander and process this good soldier out of the Army.  My moral integrity began to crumble that day. I was dressing in my own home at the time, feeling my own feminine pull and I resented what I did that day. That was the day my moral ethics collided with Army Regulation and Standards of Conduct I swore an Oath to protect and enforce.

Wedding Day

It was only after I was selected as a student for the next Sergeant's Major Class and I was tasked to teach the "Military Ethics" Class that I realized that; 1) I did not want to be in that class, 2) I just wanted to play music and encourage those around me to be better musicians, 3) the Army wanted me to continue to violate and ignore my ethics and principles to enforce their policies and 4) that I was not a very "good" First Sergeant and could not serve as a Sergeant Major with my set of ethical values.

And so events unfolded which resulted in my be summarily discharged from the Academy and 'Retired' with less then 20 year active federal military service.  It was years later, that my wife divorced me and I took the opportunity to complete my transition from male to female.

I kind of understand the moral angst to "right" some thing's that we see and feel to be wrong, but it would be a difficult decision for me to release information that might compromise lives and the National Security not knowing all the information and facts.  And being outed by the Army, forced her hand, as it were, to come clean and live a life without secrets.

Butterfly update

Good news, both butterflies have hatched, sad new is that I was not home when they flew away and don't have pictures.

The butterfly who came to call

Around the first of summer, I watched a butterfly flutter around the new leaves of my small orange tree and deposit two very small eggs.  She stayed around for another few minutes and then flew away.  I examined the eggs carefully as they were on the tips of two different orange leave, and then I didn't think anything more about them and left them alone.  I figured that some birds or other insects would eat them.  Photo taken from a webpage for caterpillars and moths.

About a month or so later I noticed that a lot of the leaves of the orange tree (which they seem to prefer) had been eaten by something, and as I was searching among the leaves I found two caterpillars of the Giant Swallowtail.  The caterpillar looked a twig with droppings of white and the head of a snake, so I left them alone to eat as they pleased.  I would find them on the leaves in the morning and during the hot part of the day have moved into the shade of the stem or branches.

I wondered what would happen if they were disturbed and when I touched them with a small twig the larger one responded by protruding these two tongue-like things as the defense mechanism, that quickly withdrew into the mouth area.

It was but a week ago that I noticed that one of the caterpillars had found himself a place under a large stem and began to attache and change.

This week I found that both of them had transformed and begun the next cycle of change.  I am not sure just how long this process will take but I will keep my eye on them and hope I can get some good shots as the emerge.

Everywhere I look I see life.

I do not fear death

I loved this article about a man a person who loved life as much as the movie he reviewed, I like this line from the article: "I respect kindness in human beings first of all, and kindness to animals.".  I read this after reading an article about coffee shops and cafe agreeing to let customers pay forward for a cup of coffee, or a simple meal for someone who is homeless; is called paying for a "suspended---",  coffee, or a sandwich, a meal--- something hot for a cold day, something to eat when someone can't pay for a sandwich. That's a great way to give anonymously 

What I really love to do is gardening; watching something grow as it brings forth new life after a dark and dreary winter of sleep. I find myself standing in front of my grape vine and tree that was a "volunteer" last year.  I am amazed at how much new growth can be seen every week.  I sometimes wish I had a slow motion camera to document the the speed at which the new leaves grow.

Last year I planted two Loofa plants and they got away from; almost covered the old playhouse.  This year I have planted some 'Popcorn' corn, and potatoes (at different stages), carrots (2 kinds), radishes (2 kinds).  I am growing cucumber plants and hope to plant them within the corn as they both grow together; which will hold up the cucumber  as they mature.  I have 3 kinds of tomato plants in pots this year and 2 green pepper plants; they seem to do better in pots and next to the porch.

I also have an orange and lemon tree, 2 blackberry, thornless of course and a muscadine grape that is new this year.  I believe that is all I have room to plant in the backyard.  

I love to dig in the dirt of my garden in the backyard while barefoot.  As you can see I had to add a screen over my rolling garden bins, as I discovered cats lying in them after a cold morning that I had covered them with a sheet.

It took only 3 years for the grapevine to give enough fruit to make jelly.  Our problem was keeping the birds away long enough to harvest the grapes; I have left quite enough for the birds to feast on.  As always that's a pleasure to watch them fight over the grapes.  We have had to cover the vine, but that hasn't deterred one Mocking bird who found a way to sneak under the netting to feast on the early grapes; but he doesn't get much.

Everywhere I look I see life.

I do not fear death

I loved this article about a man a person who loved life as much as the movie he reviewed, I like this line from the article: "I respect kindness in human beings first of all, and kindness to animals.".  I read this after reading an article about coffee shops and cafe agreeing to let customers pay forward for a cup of coffee, or a simple meal for someone who is homeless; is called paying for a "suspended---",  coffee, or a sandwich, a meal--- something hot for a cold day, something to eat when someone can't pay for a sandwich. That's a great way to give anonymously 

What I really love to do is gardening; watching something grow as it brings forth new life after a dark and dreary winter of sleep. I find myself standing in front of my grape vine and tree that was a "volunteer" last year.  I am amazed at how much new growth can be seen every week.  I sometimes wish I had a slow motion camera to document the the speed at which the new leaves grow.

Last year I planted two Loofa plants and they got away from; almost covered the old playhouse.  This year I have planted some 'Popcorn' corn, and potatoes (at different stages), carrots (2 kinds), radishes (2 kinds).  I am growing cucumber plants and hope to plant them within the corn as they both grow together; which will hold up the cucumber  as they mature.  I have 3 kinds of tomato plants in pots this year and 2 green pepper plants; they seem to do better in pots and next to the porch.

I also have an orange and lemon tree, 2 blackberry, thornless of course and a muscadine grape that is new this year.  I believe that is all I have room to plant in the backyard.  

I love to dig in the dirt of my garden in the backyard while barefoot.  As you can see I had to add a screen over my rolling garden bins, as I discovered cats lying in them after a cold morning that I had covered them with a sheet.

It took only 3 years for the grapevine to give enough fruit to make jelly.  Our problem was keeping the birds away long enough to harvest the grapes; I have left quite enough for the birds to feast on.  As always that's a pleasure to watch them fight over the grapes.  We have had to cover the vine, but that hasn't deterred one Mocking bird who found a way to sneak under the netting to feast on the early grapes; but he doesn't get much.

Arizona's Bill To Prosecute Transgender People Who Use The ‘Wrong’ Bathroom

Arizona Lawmaker Introduces Bill To Prosecute Transgender People Who Use The ‘Wrong’ Bathroom: pLast month, the City Council of Phoenix, Arizona passed sweeping nondiscrimination protections, ensuring that people have equal access to employment, housing, and public accommodations regardless of their sexual orientation or gender identity. One state lawmaker, Rep. John Kavanagh (R) is not pleased that transgender people will be protected when using the correct bathroom, and so [...]/p

Rep. Kavanagh goes on to say that we are not transgender, "we are Weird", of course this is what he thinks.  On into the article, he says "In Arizona, it is possible for transgender people to receive a new birth certificate* with their proper gender, but only if they undergo gender reassignment surgery, which not all trans people choose to pursue. In addition to being quite expensive, it also results in sterilization. Were Kavanagh’s bill to pass, trans people would have to sacrifice their ability to ever have children just to legally use the proper bathroom." 

There is also an issue that the Representative abhors men who voluntarily give up their gonads also gives up their male privileges as a sperm planter, and I would infer that for him, this is a God given right for all 'men' to impregnate a woman. What Rep. Kavanagh fails to see or understand is that trans people gladly give up that sexual ability in order to make their body and mind one, their strong desire to let go of the offending sex parts they don't want. Procreating is way down on the list of things to do on the mind of a trans person, male or female. He doesn't understand that for a trans woman it not the ability to give the sperm, is the reality that they can't birth their child, that's what a trans woman knows and understands. But they do know that they can adopt a child that a heterosexual couple has abused or given up; there is a child out there that would grow in love and understanding when raised by a gay couple.

Concerning the wording of "Chromosomal Count" I would like to believe they have taken into account all the variations that can be found, that it's not just XX or XY. For those people who are XXY and have been raised as female, will they be arrested once they have been identified as intersexed.

*Gender Identity Issues

Issues a new or amended birth certificate? Yes.
Arizona law permits a individual who has undergone sex-reassignment surgery or who has a chromosomal count that establishes that the individual’s sex is different than the information registered on his or her birth certificate to amend the birth certificate with 1) a written request for an amended birth certificate from the individual and 2) a written statement by a physician that verifies the sex-reassignment operation or chromosomal count.

Citation: ARIZ. REV. STAT. § 36-337(A)(3).

Updated: Tue, March 27, 2007 - 12:00:12

Life Renew

We all have to get one with our lives, and always it involves beginning again, starting over or what ever one calls it. But the one thing that I love to see is Spring! Spring and Mother Nature always surprises me with how she can change something that we, as human's try to mess up. New live springs up in the most unlikeliest of places, between cement blocks, in the rock and crevices, small trees in gutters; that kind of surprises.  I really needed to get back to my walking and so this morning was the day.

It really helps that my wife gave me an iPod for Christmas so that I can listen to my music as I walk and exercise, the other advantage is the camera takes great picture.  It's so much easier that lugging my big camera with me.  These are some shots that I took this morning.  You can tell that I love the colors of mornings and sunsets, I will never tire of their brilliance and displays.

These shrubs have grown over the years and there is beauty in their shape and form, but this picture shows the sadness of human nature in it's carelessness and intention to litter. Can't understand how people will deliberately litter our streets and yards with trash, as you can see the water bottle stuck in this tree's branches.

I call these the "Three Sisters", I have always wanted to get a picture of these in each season, that is Spring, in full summer and the brilliance of Fall, with the intention of putting them together.  And below is the walkway to the entrance of the West Hall, the main building on our campus here at Valdosta State. It's nice to see the flowing fountain as it add a sheer view of the entrance just behind.  The Azaleas you see have been in abundance this year, as they started to bloom in late February with what was a mild winter and has graces the city since with their color and variety.

Weekend Collision of Good Things.

     We sometimes find ourselves creating a weekend of collisions of good things, and they are all for a good cause; it just works out that way and we must deal with it.  So every year our town has the Azalea Festival, it's a two day affair of fun, sunshine and masses of blooming azalea bushes. The festival is a carnival atmosphere packed with vendor's selling homemade offerings that we must have, music, children's games, dog shows, you name it; it's probable here.

      Our PFLAG Chapter had a table this year, we weren't selling anything, or giving away prizes or candy; we just wanted to let the community know we are here and they gotta learn to deal with us.  This first photo is our celebration and reward for setting up the basics and tent.

This year I decided that we needed to up date and simply our PFLAG poster to show the issues in a more positive way, so I chose Safe Schools, some photo for the bathroom issue and support for same sex marriage.  Simply and straight forward I thought.

       There was quite a crowd of Saturday and a smaller one on Sunday.  We had great conversations with old and young, a few signed up for the email contact list and heard the story of how one young lady came out to her Grandmother after talking to one of our board members.  Very proud day and that one young lady made our weekend for us.  She just confirmed the reason why we need to be at the festival, be more visible in our communities and tell our stories.

        So that was part one of the weekend, another side story for us, was the interview Kay and I did with a student for her Sociology project Friday afternoon, before we set up the PFLAG table at the festival. As Advocates, we speak to several classes at the University (VSU) to tell our story of a Married Same Sex Couple in the state of Georgia and how that happened.  It's our story that we gladly share when asked.

                            

        But the Biggest story for me was being able to sing Haydn's Creation with a chorus of 120+ voices and full orchestra.  A performance like this always requires dedicated rehearsal hours; so for us it was one night a week for 9 weeks and 3 full rehearsals with orchestra before the performance on Saturday evening.  The final 'dress' rehearsal for me was of course Saturday morning for 2 1/2 hours, which meant that I could not be at the PFLAG table for the first hours of the festival.

   The soprano, was Tamara Hardesty, the bass, Nathan Stark and the tenor soloist was Mr. Stanford Olsen. I was particularly interested in meeting Mr. Olsen, (who is standing to the left of the conductor) as he has his Operatic debut in 1986, singing opposite Joan Sutherland, who I think, is one of the Queen's of the Metropolitan stage. His playful antics during the dress rehearsal made for a pleasant singing experience.

 

     It's always takes quite a lot of time, to put on a performance of such a grand scale, combining 3 University groups, and 2 community groups; but the performance was grand indeed.

The Pathologization of Trans* Identity

The Pathologization of Trans* Identity

"We must remind ourselves of the most fundamental principles of gender and transness -- your body is not your gender; your physical sex is not your fate. If you can be a man with breast tissue and a vagina, if you can be a woman with a penis, you can be trans* with whatever body you possess, whether you choose to alter it drastically or maintain it the way it is."

Cool or Controversial? New 'Coming Out' Video for Youth

Cool or Controversial? New 'Coming Out' Video for Youth

I think this is a great visual help for those who are asking, great advise, good common sense and simple message.  What do you think

It's Ash Wednesday, really?

Today is Ash Wednesday and the beginning of the Lenten season. A day which marks an important day in our Church's Calendar year. As Christian's who follow the Apostolic tradition's I have always seen this day as a day to begin the season of reflection and change; to get back on the wagon, as it were.

To steal a line from Elizabeth Keaten's blog, http://telling-secrets.blogspot.com, which I am going to chop up in this way; 

"Yes, the ashes are a sign of our mortality - the finiteness of human existence - which is the reason to repent. ...... "I always brush off the ashes from my forehead, anyway," she said.  "Really?" I asked, "Why is that?"  "Well," she said, "I've always thought of the ashes as the church's need to remind us of our mortality ......  as well as our sins. ....We may hold the pencil, but God holds the erasure." 

"I always brush off the ashes from my forehead, anyway," for how many years have I, have some of us walked out of church wearing our smudge of ashes with pride.  To keep our 'mark' like some badge of honor, some sign of our duty as one of those Christians. Never mind that our 'mark' was put on our foreheads at some evening service so we did not have to keep it very long. But we would carry this sign proudly. If I had gone to morning or noon service, I would forget the mark was on my forehead until someone would tell me I had a smudge or I would notice it when I looked into a mirror; and then I would wipe it off.

Elizabeth's post was about how much she uses a pencil instead of a pen and why. And of course, a pencil has an erasure which we tend to use quite often.  And so I love the phrase, "We may hold the pencil, but God holds the erasure." God can wipe our slate clean for us as many time as He need to forgive and erase.

But for how long do we carry a grudge on our shoulder against someone.  Why do we carry the burden of guilt, or of hurt on our own shoulder's; even after we have been forgiven, even after we have forgiven ourselves. Why is it so hard to erase hard feelings we might have against our 'brother'? Why do we carry around someone else's baggage when we know in our hearts it's not their's, but our  feelings against or about them.

At our recent Diocesan Convention, we erased a prohibitive moral canon which has kept a lot of good candidates from the priesthood, because they were gay and in a loving, wholesome relationship. We worked hard to change people's thinking about what this canon has done to so many of our gay brother's and sister's within the church. We were able to erase the fear and caution most people held which changed people's hearts.  But just as some pencil marks are made worse by a bad erasure, or marking made by a pen, we could not completely erase the words from some people's minds and hearts. Some of the people in that room will continue to have light pen or pencil marks on their shoulders, or foreheads even after God has used his erasure.

I hope that during this Lenten season I might 'work' on a few people to seek God's help in erasing or clearing off the chip on their shoulders, as it were.