Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Daughter at a Distance

She returned to my life and opened my eyes to what real love should be. I am amazed at her clarity of thought and strength of character to acknowledge her father as a married lesbian. Our time with her this summer has been nothing short of a miracle, at least for me and how my life is connected with hers. We had dinners at home filled with laughter and her stories about her brothers and her uncle. We had discussions about sex and life that I had never expected, and was embarrassed several times that my face became blushingly red. We drank our homemade blackberry wine and ate the local cheeses. Our relationship of parent and child was raised to a whole new level. She asked Kay if she could call her, her step-mother.

I am looking forward to many more visits with my daughter and her boyfriend, its just that it will take a lot more effort and time to see her; she moved from Georgia to Montana. My daughter has told us that we will be expected to visit, and if she has children we will be very involved in their lives. Dearest daughter I wish you much joy and happiness and safety until we meet again.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Another woman who sings tenor

I attended the Episcopal Church Women's convention at the Church Center at Honey Creek this past weekend with Kay. All-in-all, it was a very good meeting, with the Children's writer Marc Harshman reading and telling stories. The best story is that we made friends with two first timers from Augusta, Ga., some strange connections with friends from Valdosta and Kay home town. But that for another story for another time.

At the closing service our new Bishop gave a wonderful sermon and shared his views and some thoughts. As always with a church service there was hymn singing at the appropriate places, and I could tell the piano player was a little nervous, but she did a great job. I'm not sure why, but for the communion hymn she started playing something while everyone went to communion, and as I said she seemed a little nervous, so I shimmied over to the piano and sang with her to boost her confidence. Well we sang all verses and she added harmony once in a while, turned out quite nice. After the service several women thanked me for the spontaneous and beautiful music; not quite a solo but as always, I sing with a strong voice. As we were leaving, one woman grabbed my arm and told me that she loved my singing and she sang the tenor parts in her choir. After hearing how I sounded, she knew how she must sound. Well I thanked her and told her to keep singing. So all you who sing lower parts, just so you know---there are plenty of women who sing just like you do; so don't quit singing because you can't sing like the sopranos. Who cares, well many we care more than we should because we are too critical of our singing voice. Go find a recording by "Sweet Honey of the Rocks" an all womens group who sing 4 part, gospel. Sweet music to one's ear.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Daughters can steal your hearts (not steel)

This past year has been nothing short of a small miracle for me. I don't know about the rest of you but if you have had a daughter they can wrap you around their finger. That's the way I felt the first time I saw her as the nurse carefully wrapped her in her warming blanket. She always had a special place in my heart as she grew into a beautiful woman.

We have been separated for months at a time because I had schools for the Army that took we from my family. When she went off to college she said that she needed to get away; it's quite the distance from South Georgia to Waltham, Mass., where she attended school. When we said our good-byes for our reason, I would miss her, but I knew she would be coming back so there wasn't really a need to tears.

Our relationship crumbled when I started to seriously transition while she was away at college and her brothers were out of the house and my wife was involved with taking care of her mother for weeks at a time. My wife divorced me during my daughter's senior year so she didn't see Sarah but I have learned that other people saw me and told her about my adventures.

This past year has been a watershed summer for both of us. She has accepted my transition and has made a commitment to get to know me as Sarah. She wanted to make new memories with Sarah. And we have really bonded again as parent and my daughter, the woman she has become. We knew that her time with us would not last as she would have to leave again to be with her fiance so that he can start a new career. They were suppose to leave a week ago but she got sick and they couldn't pack the way they wanted.

Anyway, we had our last lunch with them, our special time. And it was another great afternoon for bonding. Several months ago she took my photo album of when I was growing up and my picture from Vietnam to make copies for herself. She meant to bring it when we had lunch, but she forgot which meant another time to see each other.

In all the years that she has been my daughter, I have never really cried when I said my good-byes to her, until Friday night. I can't explain the overwhelming emotional outpouring of tears, we both clutched each other and cried. We wept. I cried the rest of the evening; I know we will see each other again, probable sooner than later and she expects us to be very involved with any children.

My daughter stole my heart again and I know now how much I love her and how much she is a part of me as Sarah. I will always be her father, she has shown me what the power of real love can do. She has lifted me out of my pain and into her light.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Gender Forum Discussion

Just got back for a forum discussion on Gender and Gay issues at (Oops should be) South Georgia College, in Douglas. There was good discussion, slightly slanted but tame in comparison to Political town-hall meeting that we have attended.

I was a little disappoint that a lot of comments centered around the idea of ex-gays and reparation therapy, which was overshadowed by a Christian tone. Where I have gay friends but I can't accept their sin. For a group discussion about lgbt issues in the Bible belt was a huge plus that the discussion even took place.

They showed a clip on an interview with the director of the Laramie Project, and a new documentary about a hate crime, and cross burning on the front lawn of a gay couple in a small town. Eventually their house was burned down.

The audience was a good equal mix of Christian straight and Christian Gay and Lesbian identified people. And from what comments I heard it was about equal between those for Equal Rights and those who think it is wrong to do the gay sex. I couldn't decide if those against us would like us and spend time with us if it wasn't for the gay sex part they think we do.

One of the women on the panel for the conservative side had a doctorate but didn't know about people who had extra chromosomes. Her defining what it is to be a man or a woman by their genes, well that doesn't work.

What I hope is that this discussion about LGBT issues will open people's mind to more discussion seeking answers to question about gender and sex.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Apologize Christian

I apologize that I am Christian, but not the way you think I should be. I apologize that my Christian belief let me not judge you for your judging. I apologize that my belief defines my G-d as a loving, inclusive G-d. My beliefs have led me down the path of integrity and righteousness, it disapproves of lying to G-d, of hiding myself behind my wall of shame. My transgenderness was designed by my G-d to test my faith and strength of character. He gave me my life of transgenderness to show other Christians that My G-d loves me and accepts me, so why can't you. Why can't you show me my G-d Love that I see in your heart, even though you can't.
I apologize that my Christian Life that I see in you and myself, is something you won't give back.

May the Peace of the Lord be Always With You.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Completeness when is it defined.

I was reading Jillian's blog on completeness as someone asked her if after her surgery she felt more like a woman. I can't speak for all sister, but I will ask the question again, when should or does one feel like a woman who has gone as far as she can. Does she need or desire the 'big' surgery, or not". That is only a question she can answer, but is she any less of a woman.

During my transition; which happened in my later years, I really need to experience all the stages of girl development. Looking back those could have derailed my transition because I dressed without someone to pull me back to reality. Yes I wore the short skirts, and very high heels and overdone makeup, but after I moved in with Kay she was my reality mirror. She put her foot down if I had dressed in an inappropriate manner; thank God!! She was my anchor, and rudder during the final years of my transition. I say years of transition because that the way it seem to unfold, by the constant passage of years stepping higher with every success I achieved.

I accept myself as a complete woman which is approved by other women who only see me as such. A woman.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Trans Vagina Warriors

Tonight was the last performance of this years Vagina Monologues, and what a show it had been. This has been my third year of being allowed to perform a monologue with the women, and I think it has been the best year ever for myself as well as for the confidence of the performers. I was a little anxious opening night simple because we had never performed the show with everyone reading their parts, opening show was actually out first performance with everyone. It was a little shaky at first but we took it slow and let everyone get comfortable as we went through each monologue.

Being able to be a part of the cast for the monologues has given me a chance to get to know so many young women. Watching them blossom in their confidence as they perform their parts of the monologues is empowering for them. Having a stage full of hot happy vagina's behind you, encouraging you, is not something one can ignore. This is their moment to face their history of abuse by others and to deal with the fear and anger.

My expectations of being a part of the cast as a trans women is to provide an opportunity to get to know me and other lgb persons. Let them become comfortable being around me so that they can tell others that they know someone who is trans and is boringly normal. Being around these talented young women who are the same ate as my daughter is empowering for all of us. Getting to know each of these women's special talents and gifts is special, and I feel like the 'Old Mother Hen' when I am around them. I want to protect and encourage each of them to stand up for themselves and take charge of their lives. I will miss being around them more than I can say.

Thank you, Vagina Warriors for letting me become your friend.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Opening Show in the Books

Tonight we had our opening performance for the Vagina Monologues. Well done. This year we added 'crooked braid' and 'the congo' monologues, very powerful. The cast included 18 women and we took almost every monologue and had two or more people perform sections.

The performance went a lot better than I thought it would go, as we had never had a full run-through with all the women reading their parts, as several of the women were also in another play or performance until tonight. In the 'moaning monologue', Kay was to do the Southern Moan, and got the biggest laugh. I read the last monologue which was "I was there in the Room" and almost made several people cry.

At the end of the evening, we had put together a great show for the rape awareness campaign.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

V Day Monologues 2010

Ok everyone, the Vagina Warriors have been in good rehearsals for two weeks and everything is coming together, quite nicely. There are a couple of powerful new monologue this year and a few surprises. Tickets are on sale now at Carswell Hall 229 249-4842, The Women's and Gender Studies Program. Until the Violence Stops. Get your tickets now cause we are in a smaller venue and they could go fast; we have only 3 performances Apr 8, 9, 10 at 7 pm. See you there. Proceeds go to Rape Awareness on Campus and to the Women of the Congo.