Can't hold hatred

Hatred in the heart and soul of a person will only brew more hatred. I have learned not to hold onto anger or hatred, for me there could be many people to be angry with. I accept this life that is so different from the life I started out with. I have nothing to gain in this new life as Sarah, by holding onto the anger or hatred from those who haven’t accepted my transition. I can only move forward in my life as I let go of the grains of hatred and fear. What is the reason; if there can be one, for people to profess such extreme hatred and fear against those who might be different in their thinking and actions. What drives a person, or what is missing from his moral character, for that person to pick up a gun or rifle or a knife and strike a killing blow to someone who might be another Christian or religious person who believes in another view point.

After watching the movie “For the Bible Tells me so” , and watching one of the Evangelical Preacher describe to the members attending that service he would kill anyone who, as a Gay person, would approach him; then calmly tell G-d they that person died, I was flabbergasted. How can we accept his pronouncement as a ‘Man of G-d’ without showing horror and disbelief to what he just testified?

Is it really so bad to have Freedom of Religion in America; can we accept the different religious thoughts to which someone might aspire. One might not think so as they read their daily newspaper that filled with stories of violence, murder, robberies, and rapes. Where have we failed ourselves that this generation doesn’t care very much about his neighbor, except for what can be stolen from him and pawned for cash. Where have we failed to impress upon this generation the responsibilities that come with American Freedoms pronounced in our governing documents explaining our personal freedoms?

How have we failed to instill in our sons and daughters the desires to appreciate the hard fight our fathers and grandfathers fought to secure our personal freedoms?

If we say that we are Christians, then how do we so drastically separate our Christian beliefs from the Founding Father’s hope that we would aspire to the freedoms that they struggles so long to include in the Declaration of Independence. When did we lose our sense of righteousness to others; our value for life, our moral decency?

Complete phase one

Today was my last expansion appointment, total saline volume is 760 ml. Now I wait for the next four weeks to let the expander settle and I have made the appointment for the 1oth of Sep. to replace the expander with the breast form and do the augmentation of the other side; which will be an outpatient procedure in his office. Then I go home and come back in a few day for him to examine his handy work. Then will do a few follow up appointments just to look at how things are doing. Going shopping again if fun. Getting to try on sun dresses and tops that expose just a little more flesh is fun. Just waiting for the middle of September.

My doctor is located in Gainesville, Fl, so I have been following the paper about all the fuss that is going on to repeal the gender discrimination policy they just passed a few months ago. During the City Council's discussion, it seems that 12 trans took a great deal of courage to stand up for their sisters to speak in support for the policy. Now those Christian groups are calling for the overturning based of a 'policy affecting just 12 people'. The good people of Gainesville, must realize that according to adjustment of statistics stating the prevalence of the number of post-op population for the county on approximately 210,00 would be 84. This would be the number of people who think themselves as trans but have had sexual reassignment surgery which is said to be 1:2500. The number of pre-op trans in the county would be 210. The likely lower bounds on "intrinsic" prevalence of those w/o SRS to be 1:200 which gives us 1050. And for those who express intense feelings of being trans is 1:150, giving us 1400 people around the city of Gainesville who think of themselves as gender variant. These numbers do not even consider the population of the University that live in the city of Gainesville.

So keeping this gender discrimination policy will affect a great number of people, not to mention those people who do not fit the norm in appearance of male or female who might be straight but appear to be too butch for a female and too feminine for a male.

Progress with Breast

Actually I had my seventh expansion last Friday morning and the total amount of saline injected is 700 ml; at my last appointment I learned that the doctor had injected me with 200 ml as he finished the first surgery. So it’s not the 500 ml that I thought had been injected but it's 700 ml. 700 ml; that is like the amount of a small bottle of wine or 3 cups of something or 24 oz; and it’s sitting right there on my chest like half of a softball. Sometimes I feel like an ugly duck, because I have this huge thing sitting right there on my chest.

I know that this is just how it is suppose to happen with this breast expander, but I really don’t know what to do with this one oversize ‘boob’ when compared to my other side. My bras really don't fit for the extreme size differences of my two breast, but I stuff and pad the left side with one of my old silicone push up pad that I had. Sometimes it seems to be more noticeable now that a few weeks ago, I sleep on my left side mostly and it pushes my right arm out of the way; or it tries to as I try to find a comfortable position.

I have had more pain and discomfort with this expansion than the other weeks. It is holding its place and I am more aware of my breasts when I breathe, when I walk and swing my arms, when I lay down. I was told to do my stretching every day to help the skin stretch and I can feel the muscle around the expander.

The staff keeps telling me that I will lose some of the extra tissue when they remove the new scar; he opened the old scar that I had from my mastectomy, and I will lose some when the reconstruct a new nipple. But the size that I see now, I think I will be totally happy with the complete new matching breasts. My next appointment is next Monday and we’ll talk about where we go from there.

Lambeth

Ten years ago I had never heard of Lambeth, did not know what a diocese was, nor what a vestry was and certainly did not know that women could serve on a governing body for a church. Then I was introduced to a small Episcopal church. I came with a previous history of being a Baptist with a long hiatus from religion.

The hiatus was a result of seeing a change in the church I had been reared in becoming less tolerant of "the other," no place for women and just what I saw as just plain mean spiritedness. At least some of this was directed to me personally from a little bigoted minister.

I was amazed and delighted to see a that the Episcopal church was very welcoming. I was welcomed into a community that took care of each other. Women were encouraged to take leadership roles in the church AND were taken seriously. Many different views were held by the people in the church and while there may have been discussions, no one expected to have their view "win out."

THEN I met Sarah. She and I became friends and then more. She came out to our church as transgender. There were lots of different opinions some of them difficult to deal with. Finally, after a time, Sarah and I know that we are beloved members of our small Episcopal church. There may be some that disapprove of us but that happens in every community. Eventually, it will all work out.

Lambeth is being held now and bishops are discussing what the place of lgbt's will be in the church and whether blessing of unions may or may not be permissible. For many people the discussions at Lambeth are only a passing interest but for Sarah and I it is very personal. We are the face of the "t" in lgbt and we also look like the "l" in lgbt for those into putting labels on people. This makes me so sad. To know that there are people in England discussing my place in the church and what is available to me in the church.

I wonder what the future will hold in the Episcopal church for the represented by the letters lgbt?

Moral Courage?

Lately I have been reading Barack Obama’s book, The Audacity of Hope, in which he writes about holding moral values. He cites the Senate’s debate about the. “ Civil Rights Act of 1964 and the Voting Rights Act of 1965, where he states that there were those who argued that government should not interject itself into civil society, that no law could force white people to associate with blacks. Upon hearing these arguments, Dr. King replied, ‘It may be true that the law cannot make a man love me but it can keep him from lynching me and I think that is pretty important, also.’ “(pg 63). He further says, “…this idea that our communal values, our sense of mutual responsibility and social solidarity, should express themselves not just in the church or the mosque or the synagogue; not just on the blocks where we live, in the places were we work, or within our own families; but also through our government.”

How do we ever justify the many levels of our fractured moral fabric we put forth in our daily living with our families and in our business. How do we tell ourselves that it’s all right to preach to our children about telling the truth, being honest with yourselves, never lie to people, never cheat people out of what they’re due; and then with the people we work with on a daily basis, do to them exactly what we have told our children they shouldn’t do. Where and how did we lose that basic sense of trust; where we had a stack of newspaper and people could take one and leave the money on top of the stack? What happened to the idea that someone’s word or a shake of their hand meant something.

How can we ever explain to those who we love the harm we have committed on other’s for the only reason to get ahead; because we valve pride, wealth, status, etc, over treating someone respectfully, courteously, as an equal. To value and protect those same rights of our fellow man who have the same rights and privileges laid down by our founding fathers in our governing Bill of Rights.

Dr. King's words "It may be true that the law cannot make a man love me but it can keep him from lynching me and I think that is pretty important, also.", is just important to remember in these troubled times as we struggle with gender discrimination and fighting for inclusiveness in state and city government. I once heard someone describe on a video that if a person has never felt the burning desire to wear underpants of the opposite gender, then they can never understand the passion and fear of living as the other gender. We can't make all those people understand our feelings and need to live the other gender, but me must make it unlawful to discriminate against us; make it unlawful to beat us because we live a different life than they do; make it unlawful to stir hatred in the name of religion because we live differently than they do.

How could I, a father of three children who preached to them that they were to live their lives honestly and righteously and with integrity; face myself while I was spending considerable time and effort trying to keep secrets by not being truthful to my children about who I was. In trying to hide my secret, I wasn’t being truthful or honest with my life, which was separate but not equal to my life that I lived with them as their father.

As a First Sergeant, and a student in the Sergeant’s Major Academy, I had the moral obligation to enforce all military rules and regulations; to ensure that each of the soldiers under my authority adhered to certain standards of conduct; which the same rules of conduct were in direct conflict with my guilt from dressing as Sarah; when I could find a solitary place and time. So my being dismissed from the Army was the result of the moral conflict raging within me; to finally live a life based on integrity and not on secrets.

This conflict continued to rage and occupy my time and efforts as I was trying to teach my children to live their lives with integrity; until the time of my divorce and my coming out, as it were. It appears that my sons may never come to terms with my being trans; but I keep them in my prayers that one day that may understand and we can talk about my being trans.

Progress with Breast

Had my fifth expansion last Friday morning and the total amount of saline injected is 440 cc; it has taken a few days for the discomfort (slight) to show up. I realize that I can ‘feel’ how the breast lays on my chest when I breathe. Also, I can feel the increased size of the breast or expander within my armpit, as it were. I am finally realizing and visualizing the final shape that my breast should take, which is much better than I have ever imagined them to be.

Happily, they are something to deal with at night as I try desperately to settle into a comfortable position. With the new breast and my greater propensity for hot flashes it’s not easy to find a good sleeping position; I usually sleep on my left side because I find I am more restless when I am on my back. So, I am always turning this way and that all night.

It’s has been over 9 weeks since I had the first surgery; having been told it could be 6 to 10 weeks of expansion appointments. My next appointment will be with the PA and Dr. Mast to determine when to proceed with the final replacement surgery. We’ll just have to be patient for what comes next…..

I am looking lovingly to when I can try on the more daring bras and sun dresses.

The Bible or ‘says’, or is it ‘Reads’?

As I understand the transformation that is happening within the Protestant Church’s since middle 1900s is that scripture is being defined as the “literal Word of G-d”. Leaders of various Christian movements are using the pulpit as a platform to define what the Bible is telling us to do, ‘The Word of G-d’, “the Bible Say’s”. These church leaders give us their interpretations of various snatches of scripture, lifted from the core of the written history and acts of holy men and how they describe their lives with the life of Jesus Christ. With that said, the history during which the texts for the New Testaments were compiled as recollection was more likely written using terms and words that had several different meanings and connotations at the time it was written on paper.

We have seen how the meanings of words in our language have shifted meaning during our own lifetimes. Of how the word ‘gay’ has been redefined from the adjective meaning of the 1^st syn. ‘Merry, blithe, festive, gleeful, jolly’, or the 2^nd syn. “Lively”, as in ‘alert spirited, vivacious’ to the 5 syn. ‘Homosexual, homophile, inverted queer, uranian, as found in the 1976 edition of Webster’s Collegiate Thesaurus.

From Wikipedia’s definitions: By the mid-20th century, "gay" was well-established as an antonym for "straight" (which had connotations of respectability), and to refer to the lifestyles of unmarried and/or unattached people. Other connotations of frivolousness and showiness in dress ("gay attire") led to association with camp and effeminacy. This association no doubt helped the gradual narrowing in scope of the term towards its current dominant meaning, which was at first confined to subcultures.

Or this: One of the many characters invented by 1950s TV comic Ernie Kovacs was a "gay-acting" poet named Percy Dovetonsils. In one of his poems (which were always read to an imaginary off-screen character named "Bruce") he mentions the expression "gay caballero".

By 1963, the word "gay" was known well enough by the straight community to be used by Albert Ellis in his book The Intelligent Woman's Guide to Man-Hunting.

So the meaning of terms and definitions can shift and change over a relatively short period of history. So with the difference of almost 1900 years between the times the Gospels were put down on paper and the different understands of terms, phrases, and words, to the present; where we preach the literal textural readings of lifted texts from the old and new testaments. Our tunnel interpretations’ of the meaning and connotations of words and phrases we garner from the literal reading is quite different from the original written word. So in order for us to have a better understanding of our readings of the Bible, we should be encouraged to better understand the history of the world and its direct influence on the men who dictated or wrote their own understanding of their history and influence that Jesus Christ had on their personal lives.

So let us break the violence perpetuated by a small number of 'Christian' warriors who have draped the cloak of judge, and executioner upon their shoulders in order to justify the religious violence inflicted upon those person who don't subject themselves to their ideology of Christian beliefs.