Thursday, April 10, 2008

Life's Illusions


What does it take to create illusions?

What part of you, do you chose to hide,

To show your other side.

Not to be ugly or fake.

Discover how hard you must strive

To let the inner beauty shine, flaws be faint

With shades of color and paint.

What does it take to create illusions?

The feminine figure is beauty and grace.

Foundations for body and face,

Spandex, satin and lace.

Powders, blushes, lipsticks and creams,

Meticulously applied it seems

To create the someone of your dreams.

What does it take to create illusions?

Are we trying to hide from someone,

Or is it just me, this other persona.

From where does she come;

Is she conjured from deep

Within our very souls?

Does she survive just beneath the surface?

Waiting for colors with which to contrast

The illusion with the drab fabrics

Of the visible shells of ourselves.

When I wrote this poem, I was beginning to realize that my visible life and how I related and interacted with my 'friends' and children was just an illusion. A very shallow, bad, illusion on my male self, because I thought I was hiding my secret so well. I frequently would come out of the shadows of my dysfunctional family relationships to explore the world as Sarah, because I found peace and strength in her.

I spent a great number of my married years trying to be a loving and caring parent to my three children. As young adults my sons drifted from one job, and relationship to another; taking years to settle into something that they could be comfortable with. As they were finding themselves, I was finding Sarah and the illusion of a 'happy family' shattered on the floor of our dysfunctional household.

I found many illusions in my daily life. I started going out of town to be Sarah and discovered this stranger they saw in the corridors of malls and on the street was a good illusion of a woman. They only saw this woman as a member of gender of females. I soon realized that my ability to create this acceptable 'illusion of a woman' could let me walk among them; with a low level of fear of being outed.

Sarah's 'illusions' of trying to become herself eventually turned into a reality, I am whom I always were.

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