Friday, November 6, 2009

Changes All Around

As you might have noticed I have changed the format of this blog. I have been thinking a change was in order for some time and the look needed to be personalized, at least for me.

When Kay and I created this blog, I had been transitioned for several years and we felt that as Christian people and married, we needed to tell our story and of our lives together.

One could say that I had been transitioning for 15 years or so before I was served with divorce papers in 2003. I was discovering bits and pieces of my other self over the years with cross dressing and buying heels and throwing them away; of buying clothes and makeup and throwing them away. These periods of my discovering how to be Sarah were solitary, and always fearful of discovery; no worthwhile physiological digging, no outside help from anyone. I didn’t know of any other trans person during those lonely years of self discovery.

Two events attest to my diligence in pursuing who the real person was and became the cornerstone for my transition. Two opportunities taken that released my true self from her cage behind my wall of shame and fear. Two outings, dressed as the future Sarah, would be the beginning of a 15 years metamorphosis surrounded by family tugging and pulling me in different directions. 15 years fighting myself over core beliefs, attempting to peal away the layers of guilt and shame imposed upon me by my Catholic Faith. The first appearance of the future Sarah would be in the year, 1977 where I spent two days transforming into the feminine person. It wouldn’t happen again until 1992 that she would step into the light of day again.

Only upon my marriage separation did I feel free and unencumbered enough to pursue my female personification and who she would become. During this year of discovery, I connected with a great therapist and joined an lgbt group which was meeting in Tallahassee. It became my year of true acceptance and courage as I found true love and a place of peace.

My time table for transition was hindered by my own fears. Fear of having to hide my secret, fear of my family learning about my secret. Not knowing how not to hurt my family, and at the same time cross dressing when I could. Hiding the fear of thinking that I was ‘only’ a cross dresser; fearful of thinking that there might be something more inside of me. Fearful of what my church upbringing thought about my cross dressing. Realizing that I was one of God’s creatures in his church and was loved by him; however I dressed and lived my life. Finally I realized that the fear of not transitioning and living a life in pain and agony was overcome by the unknown of transitioning and a joyful hope of living a happier life. Finally demanding that my God do something to me; pleading for him to take away these urges to be Sarah. Calling him down on the carpet to wash away this obsession of mine to discover Sarah; to fix me, as it were.

Only after I started my transition was I introduced to other trans people who offered support and love for me during my transition. Experiencing the excitement of finding a good therapist after two spending so much valuable time with ones who hadn’t dealt with people who were struggling with gender identity. Realizing that I could transition in the same town where I lived for 13 years and not having to relocate. After three years living as Sarah, I now live under the radar, although that wasn’t my intention. Living in a town as part of a duo of two ladies and having people only see two ladies; not a ‘woman’ and a ‘trans’ woman. Knowing some people know about my past and not having them make a big deal about it is great for my security and confidence.

Getting the opportunity to show people that we are two people with normal lives, living boring lives is so much better that having to be defensive and fearful. Educating Doctors, Nurses, and teachers about who we are and who we are not by our normal existence is teaching those who don’t know us, what being transsexuals can do. Being invisible while walking among those who do not know that I am trans, is a teaching moment. Being able to shop, attend concerts and plays out in the community are teachable moments. When people meet us in public places, I think that they only see two ladies who they know do lots of things together as two older lesbians. Works for us.

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