Monday, January 24, 2011

I was reading a friends post about the dinner party she gave for some friends and even though she attended her own party in male costume, she had fun with preparations, cleaning, cooking, setting a nice table. Her wife was out of town for a few day but that didn't make her think twice about giving the party.

I think it safe to guess that as all of us transition, we must live in the neither world of genders as we must constantly shift between our two lives. Yesterday Kay and I sat down for another hour of taping for the documentary someone is making about our lives and how the family is dealing with me. As we were talking about how the family dealt with my dressing before my wife filed for divorce, he mentioned that during our previous discussion I would refer to myself in the 'third person' when talking about the years before I 'officially' transitioned. The professor had heard about my cross dressing by 1996, seven years before the divorce and transition.

I had not realized that I was separating that female person from my otherwise chaotic life, she really wasn't Sarah, but that female entity helped me so much in how I dealt with all my emotional issues with gender. When we would have friend over I remember being the one who cleaned the rooms and set the table, making sure we had a nice arrangement of flowers for the centerpiece.

There are guidelines and level that must be achieved, but we are missing the manual that gives direction. We have to learn what works for each of us as we travel down the path of transition; we must make our own way to reach that place of comfort and acceptance.

5 comments:

Steve Finnell said...

you are invited to follow my blog

Halle said...

How interesting to read "she really wasn't Sarah, but that female entity helped me so much in how I dealt with all my emotional issues with gender.", because I have often thought that the 'female half' who we get to know internally is really not the woman we will (or might) be.

Thanks for the mention Sarah!

Hugs,

Halle

Natasha said...

It's interesting. When I first began this journey, I separated myself into two people and would talk about them both from a third position (meaning that I was actually three people...him, her and the observer). It drove my esposa crazy because she thought I was suffering from MPD. I was really doing it to provide some kind of perspective on how I was feeling and I came to realize that whatever name I was attaching to myself, it was all just me, the sum total of everything I am. And I stopped doing that. Now I just speak in terms of how I am presenting rather than giving him or her a name.

But you're right. We end up just doing that which works for us.

xoxo

Laura Bennett said...

Great post Sarah!

helenchapel2 said...

Hi ladies remember me?
Helen Chapel?
I have re-launched my blog. would love to share with you both again?
I did read your post also btw.

Shifting between the genders I find facinating and understandable. Sometimes I wake up in the night from a heavy dream and for a few seconds I actually open my eyes and stare in confusion as to who I am. Am I Helen today or not? Am I ok? or should I cover myself to hide my fem body. Becuase in the cold light of day I live in this on, off, switching pattern of peace as 'Helen' and paranoia as 'male' hence I gave my blog the tagline 'hide and seek'

be back to read more...

Hugs
Helen xx