Saturday, June 14, 2008

Father's Day

Yesterday as I was reading someone’s post about this Sunday being Father’s Day, I was struck again by the irony that while I am a transwoman, I am the father of three wonderful children. I have been trying to remember some of the gifts my children gave me on Father’s Day and for the life of me the only gifts I can recall are the obligatory ties that one tends to get. Oh they were very nice and I did use them a lot when I had to wear them.

As I have stated before I have two sons and one daughter; and enjoy an open dialogs with her. My daughter and I haven’t been out in public together, but she is talking to me and calls me Sarah; and that’s the most important thing to remember. The relationships that I had with my children were not the best as I was desperately trying to keep my secret and was fractured at best. During the years while my children were living in the house the family dynamics among myself, my ex and my three children was always strained; and we never could gather together without my ex or my children storming out for some reason or another. I would the most horrible things just to make my daughter mad and leave the house, just so I could dress as ‘Sarah’. I really don’t deserve any attention from my children. But I keep praying that someday they or my grandchildren will accept me for who I became.

I don’t expect to get a call from my daughter, much less from my sons this Sunday, and I understand and accept that. I will always be their father regardless of what they think of me and nothing under God’s heaven or earth can change that fact.

We know that both ‘Mother’s day’ and ‘Father’s day’ are special, but what really bothered Kay was that someone with the church handed out roses to all the ladies before the church service for Mother’s Day; I guess he didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings by them not getting a rose. But the person or persons who thought it was a good idea wasn’t taking into consideration the woman who, for whatever reasons, can’t have children; and how that one act of reverence to some is a reminder of the void in the lives of others. And I could hardly be called a ‘Mother’, but I am a parent after all. I found a great card and then scratched out the word ‘mother’ and substituted the term ‘spouses’; so I gave her a ‘happy spouses’ day’ card. Cute huh!!

But for all the hoopla around these two special days we are so very blessed to be involved with so many children. We are known among the members of our church as the ‘two auntees’ and again as the ‘two ladies’ of the church; and we have been given the special privilege of being a ‘God Mother's’ to one of the children. Our job is to shower gifts and sweets to those in our care and then be able to joyfully hand them over to their parents when our time with them comes to an end. Every single child we watch who whoops and hollers fills our house with their joyful noise, and we can’t shush them because they are happy children and we are the ‘two ladies’ who have the privilege to love them as their other ‘parents’.

So if any of my children should happen to call or send a card; that would be the grandest event of all. For then it would mean that they have accepted me and are trying to tell me they do love me; in that small measure of gestures.

Note: I didn't mention my father simply for the reason that he passed away a few months before our first son was born. Who is now 37 years old with 2 children of his own. So for over half of my life I haven't had access to any fatherly advise. I raised my children the best way I knew how; with love and acceptance.

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