Monday, June 2, 2008

God of Man

God of man do hear us cry

Sins of sorrow, separates us by

Our shell of fear, and flowing tears

Learn and trust for ears to hear

Opened wide our hearts are seared

To hear the love within God’s sighs

God of Man knows our cry

From our lips cracked and parched dry

Desirous of God’s works to caress

Washing us clean with the great Distress

From the Cross with arms open wide

To lie mans tears of sin at His gracious side

February 2006

Gender Dysphoria, Harry Benjamin Syndrome or Transgender, any and all of these are labels that don’t do justice to our lives. I have cried many tears, fighting with myself over who I really am. For years I asked Jesus to take away this gender struggle that I had come to know so well. Many times after spending those short minutes with my mother’s things, (not dressed, but other items), I would repent most feverishly and cry; for my church told me that what I was doing was a mortal sin. But finding myself indulging again and again. So, for years I prayed for these feelings of being different to be taken away. Over the years, my prayers became pleas to help me understand what my transgender journey was going to be; and how I could come to terms with who I am.

My searching for answers were fulfilled when my mother-in-law was living with us and we became very close. I became one of her care givers and helped her to the bathroom once before the health care worker had come. She would stay in her room most of the morning until the aide’s would come and get her breakfast and give her her morning bath. One morning I had dressed in one of my ex’s pants outfits, as I sometimes did, and was intended to walk into the kitchen and get some coffee. Knowing that she would stay in her room for awhile, I stepped out of our bedroom and almost ran into her as she was trying to go to the bathroom. She never spoke to me about what she saw that morning; and my ex never said anything to about that morning either. After my ex filed for a divorce and I moved out, this wonderful lady passed away and I was not told she was sick and was not invited to be at her deathbed so I could not tell her that I loved her and say my goodbyes.

It was but a few weeks after that when I was at church participating in the “Alpha” program that we were conducting. As I was watching the video of the speaker’s presentation that evening, I began to nod off and was almost going to sleep. When I suddenly saw my mother-in-law in my dreaming state walk towards me and tell me that she loved me and that everything was going to be alright. As she came closer I felt her kiss on my cheek and at the same instant I had a strong impression that the image changed from my mother-in-law into a man face with long hair and a beard. With the kiss, I woke up suddenly and almost fell out of the chair as I began to struggle to make some sense of what I had just happened to me. I would not tell anyone about my encounter with my mother-in-law for several months and when I did tell my ex about what had happened to me, she said she was glad for me.

The point of this story is that, I am convinced in my heart that this was the sign or confirmation I needed which helped me know that God loves me and that taking the step toward transitioning was what He wanted for me. This was my test of faith for others to know that it is His love and presence residing in me, to see if others could see His face in my life and walk the path of “Love thy Neighbor” as he has commanded.

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