Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Transgender and Crying

Why am I crying so hard; I am not used to these emotional meltdowns! Making friends with the people who come into your life is very difficult when they leave suddenly. Not showing emotions is very different to letting tears run down one’s cheek in bucketfuls than the stifled tears of a young boy. “Boys don’t cry!”, “suck it up!” , “quit your crying ya sissy!” I heard these and plenty more growing up. Friendships or emotional attachments were calamities that my sisters experienced when we packed up and moved away from their friends; but not for me and we moved so many times. I can’t remember any of my school chums because I never would allow myself to get close with anyone. So I don’t remember peoples faces just blurs of my fellow students; too formal for me.

Is this emotional mess what you get when you have cared for someone so much, is this love? Since I transitioned and began to reach out to people emotionally I have had crying fits when I have ‘lost’ someone who I have grown to love. The breaking of my first emotional connections was actually for my hair stylist who helped me overcome my hair problems as I started to transition. She was with me from the first days I started going out as Sarah until I was Sarah. She moved away just when I was most comfortable with her as my stylist.

My second broken connections are more accurately described as having her ripped from my heart. We have made strong friendship with a couple who became foster parents with the possibility of adopting later. After having four different children temporally placed with them they were given two babies to care for which would have been the ones they wanted to adopt. At the critical age of about 18 months their baby girl was to be removed on the day they went to court to file for adoption. Kay and I were like her aunties to her and had become very involved with both of their children. My heart broke when I learned that she was to be taken away in less than 3 hours. Watching her play, and laugh, and grow as she was holding on to a large part of my heart during those 18 months.

Now it’s happened again to me, it’s amazing how quickly we become enchanted with a child and how quickly they have you wrapped around their finger. Our vicar told the church members that they would be leaving at the end of the month. Kay and I have been given the privilege of being asked to do things for them.

Their daughter is just turning one year old and we have many pleasant memories of holding her and playing with her and feeding her and watching her grow. I didn’t realize how much I will miss the family and their young daughter until I realized that I wouldn’t get to hold her next month. We had the chance to watch her today while her parents spent the afternoon packing up their belongings; and she was so good, such smiles and ‘talking’ and some fussing. Fussing comes with the baby sitting. Thank you Mom and Dad for the last chance to watch and play with AJ. My memories of her first year with us will be linked and clouded by the shower of tears that I cried this afternoon.

Now that I am Sarah and Sarah is me, the tears of the transgender are the healers of the rips in our emotional veils. I don’t look forward to these emotional outbursts but I do embrace them so.

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