Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Emotional Colors

I have been attempting to examine what has happened to my emotional and spiritual self before and after transition. Since becoming my true self, my emotional colors are bright and cheery; I live in the present and am very happy. I can’t change the past; that’s done and over and dominated the life of ‘John’. As for the future, that hasn’t been written and the possibilities are endless as to where I shall find myself with my wife, Kay.

Someone suggested that we should read the Shack which is on the bestsellers booklist. This book will twist what you think you know about God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit and their relationship to us. It just gives me another way to look at our lives, relationships and understandings of the power of giving ones self to something higher.

I remember the old comic strip Lit’Abner being read to me by my father while I sat on his lap. There was a character in the strip that always had a black cloud hanging over his head, everywhere he went, I’m not sure of his name, but he was always a gloomy figure. I think that was how I was before I transitioned, gloomy, surrounded by different intensity of grays; hardly any color. I was colored with a mix of grays because my family and I didn’t confront the fact that I was dressing and going out and it affected and dulled the emotional coloring of our relationship. My ex couldn’t stand the thought of anyone seeing me dressed as Sarah; anything feminine that might suggest or hint of someone other than ‘John’ was frightening to her because she had no control over what I was doing and that scared the hell out of her.

I spent a half of a lifetime trying to second guess the decisions of my past life; ‘What if I had only done this!”; “What I should have done was that!”, “What I would only give if I could take this or that back”. Living in the past only made my gray cloud more intense. Now as I am living in the present, and Kay and I have had many heart to heart discussions about me, where I am, where we are, what makes us so rich emotionally is because we are so open and truthful; by removing the thick frosty covering from myself I can feel the tension dissolve. I truly believe that the Holy Spirit lives in both of us as we develop our relationships with each other; going about helping others, watching our neighbor’s children, visiting the sick, etc.. I am much more relaxed, and at peace with myself, having let the past languish in the past; and am excited about the future and what I could bring.

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